gibbon-arsed ramblings of a hopeless underachiever

Sunday, September 28, 2003


oh for the love of God.

Tried to edit that last post and it all just went horribly wrong - blogger brings up some bizarre "action cancelled" page.

Meh, I'll just have to suffer the shame of my own drunknness then. Now let us never speak of it again.

Spent the weekend down in London with my buddies - club on Friday night and then just a general surfeit of food and tv the rest of the time. It was really nice - always a good battery-recharge spending time with them. But of course I should have come back yesterday and I should have done lots of work today. Ah well, such is life. I'll do a little now and then off to bed. Hopefully tonight I won't dream that I'm trapped in my cat's body and trying to explain to myself that it's time I grew up and got a proper job, like I did last night...


posted by bandhag | 9/28/2003 10:36:00 PM

Thursday, September 25, 2003


Oh for fuck's sake.

I'm pissed, right.

Having a perfectly pleasant time when suddenly I say something fucking ridiculous, and get The Fear that I may have pissed off one of the members of the party, who's not used to my oh-so-fucking-hilarious bon mots when I'm pissed. And also that I've been (in an attempt to find some common ground with him) making myself sound like one of those desperate old music hacks who thinks they still have, like, connections maaaaan by starting every other sentence with "Do you know.." and ending it with "he's a mate of mine" or "he's a mate of a mate". Not trying to show off, just trying to find some common ground.

Jesus. How much is the 'delete' key getting used, here...?

Nyurrr. Spastic. Fucking hopeless social cripple. And worse still, this guy's my housemate, so not like I can just go "oh well, fuck it" and hope I never run into him again. I just want to be nice, y'know? and somehow the conversation got round to the whole "yes, both my parents are dead" thing, which always freaks people out, especially since everyone in the group was older than me, and most of them still had at least one set of grandparents intact.


But i'm not really down. Just pissed and thinking "d'oh" a bit.

I'd really like to be going to bed with someone now. I'd like someone here to laugh at my stupidity and say sarcastic but simultaneously soothingly affecionate things to me, kiss my head and stroke my hair and laugh at my jokes and...what have you. Do I need an audience? No, just

I will delete this post when I'm sober/when I remember I've written it. heh.

posted by bandhag | 9/25/2003 11:05:00 PM

Monday, September 22, 2003


Ok, all done.

Just like to say a big "Thanks, man" to the smelly, creepy, old guy who insisted on standing behind me in the newsagent queue this morning, breathing like a particularly unwell pug dog. You, and the guy who felt that I needed to be talked at incessantly during those moments when I was already contemplating throwing myself into the traffic in order to avoid having to go to work, and who was kind enough to instruct me on how to hail a bus (that I knew damn well wasn't going to stop anyway), are my new best friends.

Run-on sentences, madam? Don't mind if I do. Sloppy grammar - that's what makes me so unreadable. Well, that and the fact I'm a right boring bastard.


posted by bandhag | 9/22/2003 10:36:00 AM


Ulp. Un-Blogrolled. "Must Try Harder or "Trying Too Hard"? Excuse me, world, I'm going to my room to wallow in anxious self-analysis for a while.

posted by bandhag | 9/22/2003 10:31:00 AM

Sunday, September 21, 2003


Top tip: if you have a double loft bed thingy and you've got friends over to stay on the futon set up underneath it, for the love of God don't let them eat rich food. Or make sure they're both girls, so they'll hold it in all night and then explode, terrifyingly, in the privacy of the toilet the next day.

A very good weekend, though. Lots of booze, chatting, eating (tapas last night, Sunday dinner today, me making cooked breakfast two days running - hell yeah, baby, I know how to hostess). Friday night was my mate R's "official birthday" - she was on holiday on the actual date, so this was the next available booze opportunity. One of our friends who tends to disappear off everyone's radars for months at a time and then turn up unexpectedly (because we still copy him in on all the emails we send, arranging stuff), turned up. Unexpectedly. Which was very cool. Yesterday we went shopping and I did my usual "buying tragic old vinyl from charity shops" thing. Dug up some real classics - Terence Trent D'Arby, Siouxsie & The Banshees. Droool. All in all I got 5 albums and 4 singles, for the princely sum of �7. Huzzah!

Now I have a fucking shitload of work to get done before tomorrow. Not so huzzah.

posted by bandhag | 9/21/2003 06:46:00 PM

Friday, September 19, 2003


Mothers are right to nag us about tidying our rooms. Left to my own devices, I would probably end up in something resembling Stig of the Dump's nest or something. It was different when I had a whole flat to keep tidy - I seemed to manage that with no problems at all. But tidying my room is quite simply the most tedious activity I can think of these days, and one I've been putting off for so long that it's now taking hours. And of course, hours of work demands plenty of teabreaks. So here I am. But for tea, read Foster's. Well, it is Friday after all.

I have to tidy, because my friends are coming to stay. I have one of those big double "loft bed" things - a bunk bed with no bottom bunk, essentially. BUT I have a futon too, which is set out under the loft bed at the moment, so it's actually like a giant bunk bed. So we'll all be in my room (somehow, I feel it impolite to my housemates to sleep in the front room). I'll be upstairs, they'll be downstairs. They'd better not poke my mattress during the night.

I love it that I can do this kind of thing with my mates. It's like being 12 again, but with money and booze. And friends. Who are allowed to stay over.

[wah wah wah, miserable childhood etc, violins to fade]

posted by bandhag | 9/19/2003 04:47:00 PM

Wednesday, September 10, 2003


Fucking hell. When did it start changing the "posted by" from username to real name? Bastards. Fixed now but...shit. Have spoken before about the whole blog paranoia. Not happy.

posted by bandhag | 9/10/2003 05:36:00 PM


Yes, I spelt it "Audio". I'm a fucking idiot, what the hell did you expect?

Apparently, I'm also a fucking idiot who suffers from panic attacks just as they are falling asleep. Never any other bloody time, either. This is, apparently, what causes me to suddenly jolt awake gasping for breath and with my heart racing like thing...just as I'm dozing off. I ask you - what kind of fucked up individual gets panic attacks at the moment they're most relaxed and their mind is totally empty? Cuh.

Maybe I'm panicking because I've suddenly started thinking babies are actually very beautiful indeed (see mini-Audi for details). Perhaps it's not panic attacks that are waking me up, but the alarm on ticking device that shall not be named. Nah, I don't hold with all that. Panic attacks it is, then. Ooo, how anxiety-inducing, closing your eyes, lying perfectly still and letting the day just drift quietly away. Totally understandable and normal.

posted by bandhag | 9/10/2003 05:22:00 PM

Tuesday, September 09, 2003


Congratulations to the Audi man and poor long-suffering Lady Audi on their new arrival. May their offspring be fully air conditioned, with luxury upholstery and a walnut dashboard.

Some metaphors just don't work, do they?

posted by bandhag | 9/09/2003 11:16:00 PM

Wednesday, September 03, 2003


To: "spam_merchants"
From: "bandhag"

Here are some handy hints that will maximise your sales potential and minimise your (albeit imagined) likelihood of being murdered horribly:

1. I have all the degrees I want. However, if you can provide me with concrete proof that a PhD in Partial Ergonomic Schnookumsfiddling from would boost my CV and quadruple my earning power, I may be interested. In fact, I would be prepared to pay almost literally up to �2 for this.

2. I am not a follower of the Christian faith. However, should I ever have the need to purchase some holy water DIRECT FROM LORDES!!! (sic), then fire up the aol, baby, cos you got mail. You can spam me more, crazy holy water people. You make me feel happy inside.

3. I do not have a mortgage. If I had a mortgage and wanted a FANTASTIC LOW RATE!!!!! my preferred method of finding it would not (you will no doubt be amazed to learn) involve opening up hotmail and replying to an email from someone whose name appears to be eH4fGG76x to take advantage of their kind offer. Apart from anything else, I wouldn't know how to pronounce your name if I wished to call and thank you for the THOUSANDS OF $$$$ you could save me. I am British - pronouncing your name incorrectly would make me feel rude and uncomfortable, and I can't very well call you "Mr or Ms", now can I?

4. I would like to thank you for your persistent and anxious attention to the size of my penis, and your offers to help me increase its length and girth and do away with the embarrassment of erectile dysfunction. However, I am a lady with lady parts which I can confidently say do not require lengthening, widening erectening. Should I awake one day to find a penis of disappointing proportions and lacklustre boner ability in my pants, I'll get right back to you.

5. Yes, I would like to shed those annoying pounds. No, I do not want a stranger emailing me to offer pills to help me do so.

6. It seems rather unnecessarily complicated that the attractive interesting single people in my area who are JUST WAITING to meet ME would email you to ask you to ask me out but also to see if I want to go out with other people and all for a low low monthly payment of 20 squillion dollars. Please email them back and tell them I think they're kind of cute and they should just, like, ask me, dude, and we can, like, hook up n shit. Tee hee.

7. I have a webcam of my own. If I wish to see HOT GURLZ IN LIVE WEBCAM ACTION I will turn it on and watch myself gazing disinterestedly into the lens. Hell, if I really feel like it, I might even slip into something pretty and dance for myself. Or make a film of how I look when I'm cleaning my teeth. What japes.

8. You keep offering to clean my cess pit. Cess pit? Are you sure? I think your grasp of technological evolution has gone awry somewhere along the line - here's a little basic for ya, try repeating after me: "invention of proper sanitation (water closet, closed sewers, et al) comes BEFORE invention of internet". You crazy kooks. Have a word with that there Michael J Fox and his crazy bug-eyed white-haired friend, see if you can borrow their DeLorean and go make you some real money.

9. Esteemed Wife of Grand High Poobah from Nigeria. I understand the political difficulties in your country, and the problems of getting money in and out, and I agree that it is a very kind offer you are making to give me tens of thousands of pounds to help you out. However, I am a little wary about giving you my bank account details by email. Not that I don't trust you, you understand, but you know how some of those other unscrupulous types on the internet can be. Tell you what, why don't you post me the cheque for my "substantial and generous portion" of your poor husband's wealth, then send me more cheques for all the rest of it and I promise I'll pay them all into a nice safe post office account for you and keep the account book here for safekeeping and hand it over when we meet up. Deal? Groovy. See you at Heathrow - I'll be wearing a pink carnation.

10. MSN Staff - I use it cos it's free. I will never upgrade and pay for it, so get on to fuck with ya.

Yours Sincerely, honestly, and in no way trying to rip you off any more than you would try to rip me off

posted by bandhag | 9/03/2003 08:41:00 PM
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