gibbon-arsed ramblings of a hopeless underachiever

Wednesday, October 29, 2003


Nothing says "You're boned" like having your debit card declined trying to buy a packet of fags.

Apart, perhaps, from getting a phone call first thing in the morning from your bank at work demanding money with menaces because you've missed one loan payment (in the nigh-on five years you've been paying the damned thing) and didn't even realise it.

I fucking hate being an "adult".

posted by bandhag | 10/29/2003 06:17:00 PM

Tuesday, October 21, 2003


I'm half back. It's been a very busy (and sore) couple of weeks, and I've got a bone scan tomorrow as they're still not sure whether or not I've broken this scaphoid thingy. Probably I haven't though.

Meanwhile, I have the following public service announcement to make:


So shit, in fact, that I've been trying to wrack my brain since I saw it yesterday, to see if I can remember ever seeing a film that was more rubbish and disappointing. So far, I haven't come up with any.

Tarantino set out his stall saying that this is a kung fu film in the tradition of the proper old kung fu films he used to watch and loves so much. I'd really love to know which kung fu films those were, and I'm sure the directors of them would, too, so that they could hunt him down and exact the kind of revenge required for comparing their work with his piece of dross.

Rubbish cinematography, a surfeit of totally unnecessary scences, characters, dialogues and plot devices. A kung fu film should make you think "Wow" during the fight scenes - they should be beautifully choreographed, fast-moving and well-shot, even if they are full of schlock-gore. Honestly, half way through the film we were sighing when fight scenes began. One, in particular, annoyed us by suddenly changing to black and white, then back again, and then switching to silhouettes against a blue light background (which should have looked great, but just...didn't). The effect of this was generally to make it appear that they were going "Hmm, this scene is actually quite tedious - let's spice it up by changing the colours, maaan!".

The overall feeling was that it was all so...unnecessary and overdone. All that stuff about how he "had to split the film in two, because there was so much good stuff in there that he didn't want to cut out" - you could have cut that film down to about 30 minutes and it would have gone as far.

I really can't understand where all the good reviews have come from. To give the film its due, it was ok for the first 20 minutes or so, and then it just descended into tedium. So maybe the critics left really early. Or maybe it's an "Emperor's New Clothes" thing - they all think "Well it looks like shit, but it's Tarantino, so I must be wrong". I have to admit that for a long while I was really really trying to like it, because I'd heard such good things about it and had been looking forward to it so much. Or maybe me and the someone-special I went with have the exact same taste as each other, and completely the opposite taste to everyone else in the entire world. We both said we hoped we could persuade at least one person not to go and see it. In his words - there's so much lickspittle in that film, it could be summed up by the simple phrase "gorilla bukkake".

For your own sake, just don't bother.

posted by bandhag | 10/21/2003 10:52:00 PM

Friday, October 03, 2003


So, apparently there's this bone in your wrist called a scaphoid. Apparently, you can break this bone, by doing something like putting your hand out to stop yourself falling over. Or, for example, if you were getting on a bus and the bastard driver lurched off practically before you were through the door, let alone sitting down, and you put your hand out to stop yourself falling and jammed it, with the full weight of your body behind it, on one of those metal poles.

Apparently these fractures don't often show on the initial x-ray that it may have taken you around 4 hours to get, so that, following another 2 hours in A&E, they might not be able to tell if it's that or just a really bad sprain. You won't know, you'll just have to go home with a splint on your wrist, take shitloads of painkillers bevause it hurts like hell, and wait for 10 days for another x-ray, by which time the bones should have moved apart sufficiently for them to be able to tell. Unless it stops hurting in the meanwhile, in which case it was just a severe strain.

Bandhag may be out of service for a while - depends how I get on with this whole one-handed-typing (and not in the sex way) thing...


posted by bandhag | 10/03/2003 11:37:00 PM

Thursday, October 02, 2003


You'll be relieved to hear I won't be beginning today's post with an expletive. I will, however, be discussing toilet things, so sensitive viewers should go back to the parlour and wind some wool/play folk songs on their ukelele and think about shiny things and kittens for a while.

I was reading Stuart's post about toilet rolls, and felt the need to comment. I totally agree with the whole toilet-paper-rolling-over-the-top thang and yes, I change it in other people's houses too. I can't tell you how happy I was to read that he doesn't put the roll on so it rolls from underneath - completely shattering the old "that's the way boys do it" claim.

A friend told me a while ago that there's actually a good reason for putting the roll on so that it unwinds over the top (it's in some etiquette book or something, would you believe) - namely, that if it rolls the other way and gets dirty off the wall, you can't see it. Whereas if it's rolling towards you and there's muck on it, you'd be able to see it.

And not have to wipe piss/shit off yourself with a piece of toilet roll with a touch of perfectly ordinary household dust on it.


Which begs the question (that I hadn't really thought of until today): what kind of dirt are we expecting the toilet roll to pick up off the wall that could be so much worse than what we're about to do with it? And furthermore, why would someone who's anal enough to worry about whether or not their toilet roll might get a little grubby have a dirty wall in the first place?

Well, naturally, I had to go and think about this for a while, because I was starting to question the sanity of my need for over-the-roll styled bog paper. So - and mark you, I did this for you, because the public has a RIGHT to know - I have just conducted extensive testing of my very own toilet roll and the following results were noted: If you put the roll on "overarm", it pulls away from the wall slightly when you pull paper off (cos you're sort of pulling up and out), whereas if it's "underarm", it's always in contact with the wall, so more chance of getting that dreaded dust/paint particles/whatever all over your nether regions.

So, in conclusion, it is obviously imperative that all of you, everywhere, no matter who you are and what else you do, change every toilet roll you see so that it rolls over and not under the roll. Apart from those huge round ones you get in public toilets, which are all encased in lovely clean plastic and will have everyone else's germs on anyway, from where they've been ferreting around trying to pull a bit of roll off and just getting lots of little shreds because the bastard thing won't turn round properly.

I thank you.

I shall leave you now, for it is time to alphabeticise my food cupboard and I need to make sure no-one's been breathing near my towels.

posted by bandhag | 10/02/2003 10:33:00 PM


I'm starting to think that either Echelon or my ISP are monkeying around with my intermaweb connection... I can get to hotmail, but can't open my inbox (get a timeout message), and I can get to the thing where you add new posts on Blogger, but can't post and publish (get a message saying 'action canceled')


That's only when I'm at home. I can get into my hot (mail) box (arf) from elsewhere, and can post to my blog from elsewhere.

Don't worry, though, I saved the drivel I wrote last night so that I can put it up here when things go back to normal.

It's all about toilet rolls. You lucky, lucky people.

It's his fault.

posted by bandhag | 10/02/2003 12:24:00 PM
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