gibbon-arsed ramblings of a hopeless underachiever

Thursday, November 27, 2003


Sheesh, you people are crazy with the toilet roll etiquette and boner-riddance searches, aintcha?

So, how does this work - David Blaine gets out of his box to a �150,000 bill for the extra policing his stunt necessitated. Dubya gets no such bill, gets to bring armed guards with him and thanks to most of the Met having to run around protecting him, street crime went up by 20% in London last week.

I'm miserable. Bad cold, horrid cough, everything aches and feels like it's on fire. I've come to realise that I make an incredibly bad ill person sometimes - almost man-like in my sickness-induced melodrama. I long for someone to tuck me up and cuddle me to sleep and bring me milk and comics in bed. Instead, I end up storming downstairs and having a flid about one of my flatmates' music, causing another one of them to go up and tell him to turn it down. He did, and then bought me a chocolate bar to say sorry. And then I felt bad. And then worse, because I was happy I had the chocolate, but sad that it hadn't been brought to me in bed by someone who would lay down and hug me for a while, without me having to tell them that was inappropriate behaviour for a flatmate and I was gonna have to, like, report him to the co-op, maaaan.

Moon on a stick, please - hold the craters.

posted by bandhag | 11/27/2003 11:26:00 PM

Tuesday, November 18, 2003


Spam merchants have infiltrated my brain and are trying to break me - today I got the offer to own an online TOBACCO SHOP for free (bar �170 'hosting charges' every six months). Gah.

posted by bandhag | 11/18/2003 11:27:00 PM

Monday, November 17, 2003


Where exactly are these nerve endings regrowing? And why? Am I suddenly going to start being in excruciating pain when I stroke the cat because it feels like every hair is shredding my skin? Actually, that would make giving up smoking a lot like a mushroom experience I had once...

Skin clearer, circulation improving, own bodyweight in Haribo being consumed daily. Mmmm. Healthalicious.

I keep writing sentences, hating them, deleting them, writing something worse. So I'm "afraid" you're missing out on: more suggestions on how to get rid of a boner; my conspiracy theory about "terrorist threats" coinciding with demonstrations in London; my opinion on the Stellastarr album; and a long discussion on why I think it's Ok to Still Be Wearing Band T-Shirts at My Age.

Oh yeah, I'm just a walkin' talkin' entertainin' machine. Baby.

posted by bandhag | 11/17/2003 10:34:00 PM

Saturday, November 15, 2003


According to my handy leaflet, my carbon dioxide levels are now the same as a non-smoker, my blood pressure, heart rate and the temperature in my hands and feet are normal (??), my likelihood of having a heart attack has already increased, my sense of smell and taste are improving and my nerve endings have started to regrow.

Which is nice.

Meanwhile, my body rewards me for treating it so well by giving me one of the worst bad dream/horrendous awakening experiences I've had in years. Thanks, Body, great to know we're on the same team - just wait 'til I take that job at the asbestos factory then we'll see who's in charge. Hooo yeah.

For the pedants among you, this does not count as whining.

posted by bandhag | 11/15/2003 12:39:00 PM

Thursday, November 13, 2003



I'm trying to give up smoking. It is very hard. I will attempt not to whine about it every day, but no guarantees. I briefly considered popping next door to buy a shitload of grass instead, but even I can see that that's cheating.


Of course, I'm only doing this so I can snog hot non-smokers and they can comment on how little my mouth tastes like an ashtray. Look out, boys...

posted by bandhag | 11/13/2003 07:19:00 PM

Monday, November 10, 2003


Oh, it's so lovely - my life's work is finally starting to be noticed. Recent Google searches have been:

- which way should toilet paper rolls over or under?;
- how to change a toilet roll; and
- "toilet roll" etiquette.

I hope those searchers paid close attention to the instructions. Remember, kids - it's your civic duty. OVER NOT UNDER.

Slightly more difficult to fathom was the person who got here by searching for "how to get rid of a boner". This person was using yahoo search, so chances are he was getting a bit overexcited on IM or some such. Anyhoo, I'm only too happy to help, so here's a few pointers:

1. Have the person who is causing the boner laugh at it, sniff it and pull a face, or curl their lip in disgust. If you can get them to make wretching noises, that's even better.

2. Think really long and hard about whether the current allegations about Prince Charles are true. Then picture the scene. Then picture him with Camilla. Then picture the scene of him telling Camilla he'd like to be her tampax (TRUE STORY). Lastly, picture all three of them at it together. Chances are, you'll never have a boner again.

3. But seriously - if you squeeze it just below the head, it will go down. Ahem. Allegedly.

posted by bandhag | 11/10/2003 09:22:00 PM

Sunday, November 09, 2003


Another lovely weekend, followed by another bout of emotional hangover: was I a twat when I was drunk, do I outstay my welcome at my friends' house, etc etc. Mostly the paranoia about what I'm like when I'm pissed, actually...

Saturday was amusing and hideous in equal doses - I'm on antibiotics and playing havoc with me insides. Cue me hopping from one foot to the other while my friends were buying up most of Rough Trade, and then having to find inventive excuses to leave the room without actually looking like I was going to the toilet every five seconds in a strange kind of underground-pub-near-a-theatre. "Yes, I'm just popping out to look at the sign again - it's really quite lovely!". Bizarre music they had in there, too - old show tunes and jazz. We spent most of the time swaying from side to side and doing jazz hands.

No other news for now. I've got a load of work to do, which I should have come home and done yesterday. Ahhh, sweet sweet routine.

posted by bandhag | 11/09/2003 08:50:00 PM

Thursday, November 06, 2003


November is annoying. No sooner have I hung my clothes out to dry than it's turned dark and I have to bring them back in again. Still, I suppose all women were housewives and could do their washing during daylight, back when seasons were invented...

posted by bandhag | 11/06/2003 05:10:00 PM

Wednesday, November 05, 2003


ooer! That just posted without me telling it to! Ghosts on the intermaweb. Ghosts, I tells ya!

posted by bandhag | 11/05/2003 02:00:00 PM


Oops, never did come back, did I? Ah well, I'm sure it won't hurt you not to have read the tedious ins and outs of my past couple of days.

So, what's new, then? Well, I officially hate my job. I've spent the week refereeing shouting matches and having to put up with two people telling me to do completely opposite things every five minutes, and it's doing my fucking head in, quite frankly. And they don't pay me enough. And...stuff.

London's calling, as the song goes. I have itchy feet. This is a big deal for someone who's never lived outside this one county.

posted by bandhag | 11/05/2003 01:59:00 PM

Monday, November 03, 2003


What a smashing weekend.

Halloween night at my mates' club - I went as a devil. Very original, yes. Horns made out of eggbox innards, threaded onto a cheap alice band. They ended up on some other girl at the end of the night. "Hey!" I said, through drink blur "That girl's got my horns".

Then on Saturday we bumbled off to Alexandra Palace for the fireworks. They were ace - heavy on the huge lightshow and easy on the unnecessarily loud bangs and/or screeching. I could bore you for hours attempting to describe the different kinds they had. I won't. I will, however, tell you that we each had a toffee apple and not only did I have to get my sister to bite into mine for me (having almost dislocated my jaw trying it myself) but I spent the rest of the night with sticky hands, having managed to get toffee onto every scrap of the wrapper, and not being able to find a ladies' loo without a 3-mile-long queue. I felt about 6.

Then we watched The Ring (the original Japanese version). If you've ever seen it, you'll understand why my friend surreptitiously phoning the house with his mobile at one particular point in the film was the most terrifying thing fucking EVER. I had to sleep with the light on.

And then we came home and it was time for tea.

No, not really, of course but this sounds a lot like my junior school "news book". So I'll go away and watch Hollyoaks now, kill a few more brain cells and try to be even MORE tedious in a while. Lucky, lucky readers.

posted by bandhag | 11/03/2003 06:30:00 PM
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