gibbon-arsed ramblings of a hopeless underachiever
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
"You've lost so much weight!" she exclaims. It's been a while. I try to quickly calculate how long. Yes, maybe a little I concede. But only what I put on over Christmas, probably. "Is good, but no more - you lose enough now, you look good. Don't lose any more, would be too much, you would look too thin - you need to start eating properly again". This would be one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to me, were it not for the fact that a) it is patently untrue. I'm in about as much danger of fading away from anorexia as the New Zealand rugby team are; and b) the woman speaking is the local fish & chip shop owner. I haven't been a regular just recently. I worry that her desperate flattery implies I was far too regular a customer previously. Perhaps they are missing out on their holiday this year, because I have cut back on my fish suppers.
The cod is disappointingly small. Next time I'll have a saveloy. You know where you are with a saveloy.
Several times over the past year or so, though never before that I can remember, I've woken myself up crying. On Sunday, I balanced this out, by waking up laughing. It was something to do with a long and complicated dream, that ended with me having to be put to bed by my friends because I physically couldn't stop laughing. Having woken in this jovial manner, I then proceeded to have one of the most wretchedly black mood days I've experienced in months. Ha. Ha. Ha. Oh my aching sides.
I have blisters on my index and middle finger. They have been there since Saturday. I wonder whether I was doing handstands and forgot.
I do not know how M always manages to be watching something involving an animal being gutted, an operation/autopsy, or someone heaving the contents of their stomachs all over their feet at the exact moment I am either just blinking myself awake in the front room or just sitting down to eat my "breakfast" (having blinked myself awake a mere matter of moments earlier). But he does. It's a skill. I suspect he has had Sky Plus installed in secret and is wreaking silent revenge for me pointing out that having the central heating on all night when you are ASLEEP and furthermore INSIDE AN EXTREMELY WARM COMFORTABLE BED may have something to do with why the gas "runs out freakishly often in this flat"...
I watched some programme about Tracy Emin the other night. She was talking about some of the work she produced when she wasn't having any sex, and commented that you don't wank when you're not having any sex and you haven't had any for ages and don't know when you're going to again, because it doesn't help - it just makes things much, much worse.
I had never looked at it like that.
I've never thought of myself as the suggestible type before.
On the plus side, I now have hours of free time to fill with arts, crafts, hiking, charidee work and other such worthy pursuits.
posted by bandhag | 1/26/2005 10:10:00 AM
Monday, January 10, 2005
has split up with his girlfriend. I decide it would be a very bad move to say anything to him about liking him. Unfair on him - he's bound to have enough on his mind, the last thing he needs is someone telling him they like him.
I'm not very good at this 'not talking about the people I fancy' lark, am I?
posted by bandhag | 1/10/2005 04:34:00 AM
Wednesday, January 05, 2005
In many ways, I think it's easier to enjoy New Year's Eve than it is to enjoy Christmas. You can go out with your mates and get pissed. You can stay in with your mates and get pissed. There aren't as many people who moan about hating new year as do about Christmas, though I do know some people who aren't that keen on it. Me, I love it. For several years now "the gang" have done our Christmas present swapping at new year after a suitably drunken night out, and as this actually got delayed 'til new year's day (too tired and too pissed the night before) plus I'd already got to spend most of xmas with R&A, it was all incredibly pleasantly dragged out.
The club was brilliant - busy and a really good atmosphere. All the old friends there, which is always fantastic - people we don't see enough of. The punters practically had to be shoved out of the door at 4 so we could bundle our drunk-ass selves onto the last Tube home for the traditional round-off of the evening at R&A's, where doubtless someone fell asleep on the sofa and inevitably I forgot most of everything.
He was there. And when I spotted him, even though I knew he was going to be there, I was suddenly, inexplicably, surprised - I'd go so far as to say pole-axed - by how beautiful he is and how much I fancy him. And I thought he said something and, worse, I relayed it to others, but now I've had the chance to sit and really think about the words he said, they meant something completely different - I'd just been so bamboozled in that brief instant that I'd heard what I wanted to hear. His girlfriend was there. And I chatted to her. And she was extremely pretty and very lovely. And when I fleetingly looked over at midnight and they were kissing, it just looked right. And that's that.
No resolutions this year, really. I don't feel like I need to. Those things that I've been promising myself for years I'd get round to, are on the cusp of coming together. I'm actually a bit afraid of it all, and reluctant to write about it until things are properly underway - Fear of the Jinx. Somebody bought me a book of superstitions for Christmas. Like I needed the encouragement...
2004 was a funny old year. It seems odd to admit that this is the longest period I've been single in my entire adult life. I'm not entirely sure it agrees with me - there's not much fun to be had from thinking you have a connection with people, only to find out you're only good enough for one quick fumble and a crap excuse that's generally proven to be a lie within a few weeks. About as much, in fact, as feeling like you never get any interest at all, or liking the same person for a long period of time, until it drives you fucking nuts, when you know it's not going to happen. I've had this conversation a lot with my sister - that people should come with traffic lights that respond to what they think of you (and that are hard-wired to their brains in a way that means they can't cheat them) - red for "not if my life depended on it", amber for "hmmm, maybe... let's find out" and green for "pants down, NOW". Plus an extra for "I really fancy you. Until tomorrow" - flashing green, perhaps. It's not like we're averse to a little one-night-mutual-itch-scratching, but it's nice to know in advance that that's what's on offer.
Another weird thing about 2004 was the beginnings. At a "time of life" when I suppose by rights one "should" be a bit more settled, I was moving cities, changing lifestyle, changing looks, changing jobs, settling in, starting new things, meeting new people, and it looks like this year will be more of the same - only possibly on an even bigger scale. I really like that. In a "being kind of terrified by it" way.
posted by bandhag | 1/05/2005 11:07:00 AM