gibbon-arsed ramblings of a hopeless underachiever

Saturday, July 28, 2012

This is why  

This is why I swore a long time time ago I would never, ever get involved with anyone again. And I meant it. I really did.

It's too good.

And it's too new.

We haven't sat and had that uncomfortable conversation where we lay it all on the line - what we think, what we're doing, all of that.

Which means that all those doubts creep in and drive you mental. Ok, so now you're calling me your girlfriend. But you haven't actually asked me to be your girlfriend. And you seem to be going out of your way to avoid meeting anyone either of us knows, or telling anyone you're in a relationship (so far as I know, but I don't know because you keep me at arm's length regarding your life). So...

I know that you're really good friends with your ex. And I'm totally fine with that. And you know that I don't have a problem with people being friends with their exes. And yet you told me you were on a day out with an old friend, but didn't mention she's your ex (even though this is something I could deduce/find out very easily). Because...? It makes me really uncomfortable that you weren't honest about it.

And you're still logging on to dating sites all the time.

Right now, I'm happy to put this down to the uncertainty I've built up over several years of dealing with arseholes. Hell, 'happy'? I'd be fucking ecstatic if that was what it was.

But there's the other stuff. You *never* ask anything about me. At all. From how my day was to where I grew up to what my favourite colour is. If I ever mention myself in conversation - an experience, or a fact about me - you literally blank it. Not even that you act uninterested, just that you simply don't respond. Past the two first dates, you've never mentioned when we're going to see each other again - it's always been very vague, and down to me to actually ask for the date and initiate sorting out the details. If there were two ways to tell someone you're not interested, those would be them.

But then, there's so much else that is absolutely awesome. There's no-one else I've met who I've been more intellectually, sexually, politically and culturally compatible with. we have ridiculous amounts in common. You make me laugh like the best of my friends do. Maybe even more so. I feel excited and energised by your company. I can't remember the last time I laughed as hard as I do when I'm with you, nor felt such a genuine awe and joy at the world around me. You show me things I've never seen before. You make me feel smart, but teach me new things all the time. I literally wait for the next time I can see you, because I know that no matter what we do, it's going to be amazing. There will be something weird, or something funny, or something romantic, or something sexy or - as pretty much every time so far - all of the above.

The thing is, I've been fucked over before - I know what it's like. And the reason I'm so het up about this one is, I really want it to be something. I really don't want to have been fooled into believing something that isn't true, when it's this good. I don't want to come across the damaged mentalist, because I'm not. But I *really* like you and if you could give me just some sign I'm something more than an amusement that will do until the real thing comes along, I'd be unendingly grateful.

posted by bandhag | 7/28/2012 11:31:00 PM
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